An Understanding Of Me

My Scar

I know I haven't been around much. I have seemed to almost completely abandoned my blog entirely. But nevertheless I have returned.  I needed to take time to think about what direction I really wanted to go with it. And after finding out we were expecting our third little one I've decided to dedicate a good portion of the blog to this chapter of my life.

I'll admit I'm hoping that this serves as a bit of therapy for me. I'm sure you're probably thinking what the heck is she talking about. Well some of you may know, and some may not, but my first two "births" were Cesareans. And the one that obviously was most affecting was my first. I honestly have never really discussed what happened to me physically or emotionally to anyone. It's been extremely hard for me to share this part of my life with anyone, even with friends through my biggest support network, my local ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) Chapter. I want to throw out there that I totally support medically necessary Cesareans. But believe that there are so so so many times that woman are put through such horrible experiences, like myself, when they aren't educated or aren't given the opportunity to have their bodies birth their babies the way nature intended.

Side note:  if you haven't figured out yet, I'm not the best at writing and hope you understand the gist of what I have to say ;)

Here goes:

I'll admit that I wasn't the most educated person on the whole pregnancy/childbirth subject while pregnant with my first son London. All I knew was that I was ecstatic to be pregnant and having a baby! But by the time I was 40 weeks the only thing on my mind was I wanted this thing out of me! I went to about 41 1/2 ish weeks when I made the OB check me because she had been telling me all along that if I was at least a finger tip or more dilated anytimer 40 weeks they would induce me. So when she did I just so happened to be 1cm. She then asked if I wanted to be induced the following day. Of course I said yes!  I was done being pregnant and have that little boy in my arms. The thought of the whole labor process never even crossed my mind.

My Husband and I checked into the hospital at about 6am, did all the paperwork, and sat around for a bit. The doctor came in and explained to me what was going to happen. The plan was they were going to start me on Pitocin and increase gradually and then hopefully contractions would dilate my cervix and we would eventually have a baby.  Nurses then came in and started the IV and pitocin. They must of started me off pretty slowly because I remember the contractions didn't seem to bother me much. I had been experiencing the practice contractions since about 6 months along and they didn't feel much different then that, I was just having them a bit more frequent now.

Around 8am my mom got there. And not too long after that the doctor came back in and checked me and said I was still only around 1-2cms so she was going to break my waters and they would up the pitocin to see if they could move things along a bit more. And this is when things started to get tough. Contractions started coming on hard and fast almost instantly. I was still tolerating the pain for the most part. But it seemed as time went on it the contractions became more and more unmanageable. I remember turning down any pain relief offered numerous times. I kept thinking in my head my Mom did this naturally, I should be able to too (not realizing that the Pitocin can bring on MONSTER contractions not like the normal ones). Eventually I gave into the nursing staff and they ended up giving me some meds through the IV that was supposed to take the edge of the pain off, when in actuality the result was me being a bit out of it and feeling extremely dizzy, nothing more. Pain was still at a 10+.  So around noon they check me and I'm at about 4 or 5cm and I demand an epidural. I feel like I'm definitely not going to make it through this with out it. It wasn't long before they came in and rescued me from what I thought was near death.

After the epidural everything is wonderful,  except the fact that I can no longer feel my legs. I didn't expect the epidural to work that well I guess. So from about noon to 5pm I only dilated to 7cm and they tell me that I'm not progressing as fast as they would like. And that it being almost 12 hours being in labor it was time I start thinking about a C-Section. I was confused. I thought that 7cm was pretty high up there. Only 3cms more to go and I was almost done...So I thought about it for a little over and hour. They came back in to check me again and I was still at 7 so they pressured me again and I gave in. I signed some more paperwork and they tell me my pelvis was just too small to birth my baby and he wasn't coming down at all. And it would most likely be the case for any other pregnancies down the road.

This is when I start to get a bit emotional. I don't share it with anyone, but the only thoughts going though my head are that I've failed. And now I just want this whole experience to be done with and just want my baby. People now start to run in and out. Giving me more meds, upping the epidural, coming in to shave me and prep me for surgery. Not really even explaining half of the things they are doing to me, or what it's for. I am kind of now just laying there in a trance. It doesn't take long and nurses come in and tell me that it's time for me to be taken to the OR and that my Husband would be left there to get suited up and would eventually join me. I say goodbye to both him and my mom and then I'm off.

They wheel me into the OR with bright lights and what it seems to be like at least 10 people in there already waiting for me. It takes about 5 minutes and they already have everything set up around me. I'm strapped down, arms and legs, and have no view of anything except the blue curtain in front of me and the white ceiling above. The anesthesiologist tells me he is going to give me a bit more meds and I automatically start vomiting. I'm pretty sure they've already started to cut me open and I ask where my Husband is and they say "Oh we'll bring him right in.". The doctor and nurses are all around me talking and joking about their day and every so often trying to include me in the conversation but I don't care to hear anything they are saying.

Adam comes in, sits next to me, and looks at me and asks if I'm okay. He really hasn't ever talked to me about that exact moment but I could see in his eyes that he was scared and nervous about what was going on. It was then that I start to feel the horrible pushing, tugging and pulling sensations. I feel as though the baby is being ripped from my insides. I begin to throw up some more. The anesthesiologist tells me it's almost over. And my son cries. My husband and I look at each other and both instantly start to tear up. Out of the whole experience that was the only perfect moment. The moment is cut short and I start shaking uncontrollably. They tell me it's normal. My husband goes to check on the baby and comes back to sit next to me. I tell him to make sure that once the baby leaves that he goes with him. They bring London over for my husband to hold and for me to see. And one of the most crushing things for me is that I have no recollection of what my first born son looks like at that moment. The only thing I remember is kissing him when my husband attempts to put him as close to me as he can. My Husband then leaves with London and I'm laying there as they close me up. I remember feeling like I'm about to pass out over and over again, and in between those episodes I'm throwing up and trembling.

They are finally finished and tell me that I will be taken in to a recovery area. I'm wheeled into another room and left there. I lay there for a bit and my Mom comes in with my Husband to check on me. We discuss how London was born at 6:32pm, weighed 8lbs 2oz and was 21inches long. I don't really remember hearing that during the actual surgery. And after what it seems like to be forever (I'm positive at least 1-2 hours because of the time lapse) I ask the nurse when I will be able to see my baby. Her reply is "Soon enough, don't know why you're worrying, it's not like he's going to die or anything". We all look at each other in shock, wondering if we just really heard that. And instantly my mom scolds her for saying it and she apologises and leaves. Eventually my Husband and Mom leave and I'm alone again. Nurses come in and out just to check on me and remind me that the convulsing and sleepiness is normal.

I'm eventually wheeled into what is to be the room we will be staying in for the rest of the hospital stay. I just lay there, completely numb physically and emotionally. They bring in London and I honestly can't even remember smiling. I didn't feel anything really. Someone handed him to me but it was really hard to hold him because my arms still had little feeling. I did what I could for a bit and then people started pouring into our room, one after another, demanding to hold the new baby. I just sat there feeling helpless. Between my husband and I, I am normally the one to speak my mind and I couldn't even tell people I didn't want them there. That I wasn't quite ready for visitors yet, that I wanted to spend a few special moments with just me, my husband and our son. I'm sure Adam wasn't even sure what I wanted because I didn't say much. The whole time there was just this awkward feeling in the room.

Eventually people leave and I attempt to breastfeed London and that is the moment we bonded. That is when I felt like he was mine. I don't know what would of happened if I had not chosen to breastfeed. I don't know how long it would of taken me to connect with him. I feel very fortunate that I chose that route for my babies, not only because I feel it's the best for them, but it ended up being something I needed as well.

For the following three days I'm in pretty severe pain, but I deal and just want to get home and forget the whole experience, which coincidentally is what I end up doing. This is honestly the first time in over 4 years that I've gone back to this birth entirely. There have always been little bits and pieces that creep into the back of my mind every now and then but until now it's been too hard for me to put the whole thing out there. I hope by reading this you have gotten to understand a little bit of who I am and why I advocate so hard for people to avoid the UNNECESSARY Cesarean.